Beyond lost

I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I really don’t… My goal was to transfer to a university after 2 years, but I have so many classes I haven’t even taken yet to meet the dam requirements. I do not want to be stuck at home going to a community college while working at some shitty part time job any more. I’ve been feeling extremely useless at home lately because I can’t (or don’t) help my parents out with bills. I barely make anything with this part time job and it all goes to gas…food… and stupid ass bills of my own that I have to pay (probably shouldn’t have opened any credit cards but I was tired of not being able to spoil myself. Talk about being selfish). On top of all of this stress I have to deal with my mom calling me ugly again these last 2 weeks (even though she probably doesn’t even realize it). She keeps telling me how we have to do something about my face (due to my acne and scars). “We gotta find someone to fix your face” she would say. I hate my face and sometimes i wish I can carve it off. I hate hearing my mom bring this subject up all the time. It makes me feel ugly and imperfect. To all of those people who freak out when they get a pimple just shut the fuck up… if you feel hideous now, try walking in my shoes for the last 5 years and then tell me how you fucking feel. I guarantee you half of you would end up kill yourself trying to walk in my shoes. There is so much pressure exerting from every direction. Every one around me seems like they have their shit together. Kudos to you all. I wish I was enjoying life like most of you guys. I feel more and more imperfect every day. Every little flaw about me just adds on. I’m not happy with myself… I’m not happy in general. I walk out of my room everyday and put on a fake smile so that no one will ask me what’s wrong. I feel empty inside and all I do now is stress. What purpose do I serve… I’m better off dead.